People pretend to be happy
So I decided to write today about pretending to be happy. It is the perfect melding of what I’ve been encountering in my strategy sessions with people this week, and video #3 in my Know Your Profit Style series – Accepting Annie. So then I went online to find a quote, as I often do, and all I could find was this:
Ha! How perfect. We live in a culture that idealizes putting on a happy face and denying our emotions so as not to make others uncomfortable. That’s considered “strong.” And that is why Accepting Annie is actually pretty successful and revered in our culture… she motors through. But she is unfulfilled on the inside, and the worst part is she doesn’t know it! She goes around as a one-woman show, crossing things off her to-do list, and essentially missing the point. (Well, watch today’s video…)
I’ve been there. And our self-help aisle isn’t very helpful, because it is easy to reinforce the idea that we should “think positive” when what might really help is to get damn pissed off, or ruffle feathers with our Truth.
So, why is it so important to recognize that people pretend to be happy? Well, first, ask yourself if you’re pretending to be happy so you can deal with what is so. Second, realize that your prospects 9 times out of 10 are going to tell you things are OK, or working. They have accepted that having less than what they really want is OK, and they don’t realize they are settling. Sometimes, our culture considers that the more pain we endure, the better person we are (see said quote) so people actually love up their pain.
So watch the Accepting Annie video and ask yourself – is she happy or is she putting on a happy face?
Circumstance Cindy in the To Do List!
Ever have one of these days?
You might be Cindy if you tend to have all kinds of stuff “hitting the fan” around you. You’re easily distracted by what others are doing and are afraid to put something out that might not make others happy, so you are holding back your opinion. Cindy, you are brilliant at knowing what people want and giving it to them – a skill developed at an early age. But we’ve got to make some shifts to put this to work for you!
Even if you may feel “evolved” in your thinking, your immediate gut response when something goes wrong is, “that figures,” or “nothing is ever easy.” You can get yourself out of this, but the cost of these reactions is huge – it may set you off track for a whole day. These little energy losses keep you from getting the systems in your business set up, hiring help, or making money. Your clients likely take advantage of your desire to please, and you shy away from “better” clients out of fear you’ll disappoint.
Watch the video and take the free quiz to find out if Cindy is your gal, and if you need to send her on vacation!
Break Up for Profit! Part I
Most of us have had the experience of going through a relationship break-up. And maybe you’ve even had the experience of “breaking up” with a client, or a team member, that wasn’t working out.
But have you ever thought about breaking up with the part of you that attracted those things in the first place?
Sometimes we know we need to release something in our life, and we find a way to muscle through the break up, but we never dig deep enough to break up with the root cause of our problem.
Mastin Kipp said, “To be a successful entrepreneur, you have to break up with your parents.”
I heard this quote and immediately both laughed and wanted to cry, because Mastin voiced something I’d been grappling with, and didn’t want to believe.
It was time to break up with my parents.
Now I’m not saying you can’t see your parents or have a relationship with them and have a successful business. But I am saying you need to sever ties with the view of you they have, and the role you chose to play in your family. I’ve yet to meet a client who didn’t need to walk this path.
I thought I had done it, then realized I needed to move further into alignment.
Some of you will need to give yourselves some serious distance from the “you” your family knew, and for most people this is easier to do with some physical distance between you as well. And for some it means literally no contact. If there is no commitment to growth in the family in which you were raised, or you are in a phase of shaky growth, and your courage could easily falter, these are times to limit contact.
I’ve, personally, been in a phase of new growth with my business and my life this spring (relocated cities, upleveled the specificity of my ideal client, and had my biggest month of sales ever, then traveled around the world – wow).
And I’d been planning a trip to spend a week with my family in July. Because you “should” spend a week with your family every summer, right?
Yet my family (yes I love them, yes my parents did the best they could with the information they had, yes, yes, yours too, I know…) has always vacillated between victim and conflict energy (Circumstance Cindy, meet Patty Proven). And I recognized that with where I am heading and what I want to create in my new life in my new city, I COULDN’T AFFORD to spend a week in that energy. (There was an even greater than normal amount of stress in my family this month.)
I decided I couldn’t afford allowing my own potential for going backward to a place of trying hard to prove I’m not the “Ungrateful Shrew” my mother told me I was growing up.
You see, every time I step further into my power in my business, I have a little conversation in my head that goes something like, “Who are you to expect _____? Maybe I’m asking too much. Who do you think you are? Maybe I’ll just watch, wait and tolerate.”
And cancelling my family trip was the exact type of thing that would elicit the “Ungrateful Shrew” conversation in my mind. You “should” sacrifice for your family, after all. You have to prove you’re not ungrateful at minimum.
So my cycle of proving looks like this:
- Desire something.
- Something happens presenting an opportunity to choose between the higher energy (desire) or shrinking to make someone happy.
- Worry about appearing ungrateful.
- Choose to shrink. Or choose to shine, but then do something else sacrificial, helpful, or overly responsible to make up for it.
- Feel resentful and ungrateful. Decide not to do that again.
- Dwell in my true desire and begin to dream. Repeat cycle.
And here’s the dangerous thing. It happens so quickly that I don’t even notice it happening. It just feels like the way it IS.
And next thing I know I’m wondering why it is taking so long to hit that particular goal. You know, the one that I REALLY want deep down, the one that scares me.
So last week I “broke up with my family” by cancelling my trip and choosing instead to take the week for myself to get settled in my new city.
And the most amazing miracle happened. I stopped taking responsibility for making everyone feel better about themselves and about me. And someone in my family finally took responsibility for themselves in a way I’d been praying for for YEARS. Like, changed their life last week.
Now, I’m not saying I caused that, they did. But I do believe my breaking my cycle of proving made it infinitely more possible as I created a space of more freedom in and around my family.
It also brought a cool new opportunity into my world as well, in line with what I’m committed to accomplishing this year.
So, here is the question, and assignment for this week. What is your hidden cycle of proving? See if you can become present to it between now and next week. If you notice you’re struggling to see it, please join me on the Inner Alignment call Thursday. Click here to register.
Are You a “Circumstance Cindy?”
Busy But Unfocused, Waiting for the Shoe To Drop!
The phone rings.
It’s your mother. She needs a ride to her doctor’s appointment and your sister was supposed to take her but she flaked out again.
Looks like it will be up to you. Again.
And you had really been committed to finally getting your blog up and running today. I guess it will have to wait.
You’ve chosen one of your marketing strategies – speaking.
You even took a class on it.
So you are all geared up to start booking your speaking gigs. You make your first call – they are booked until next January and they need you to send a speakers reel. Well, how are you supposed to have that- you just started?!
You do some dishes, fold some laundry, and gear up for call two.
This organization only allows their members to speak. Membership is $500 and you have to visit a meeting twice before you can join.
Your immediate next thought: “Nothing ever works out for me.”
And you file away speaking as a strategy that ‘doesn’t work,’ and decide you’ll just go back to Facebook instead.
Little did you know that the third organization on your list had their speaker cancel and you could have taken the stage next week.
But you quit.
If either of these scenarios sounds like you, you might have a default tendency to be a “Circumstance Cindy.”
Circumstance Cindy is the first of our profiles, and she resides at the lowest energy state – victim. (Everybody has a little bit of Cindy in them, so you’re best served to be honest about it!)
Cindy can be very busy and active and appear to be productive, but when the rubber meets the road, she will give up on whatever was her focus if something comes up to distract her or discourage her.
Her pervasive filter in life is, “I Lose.”
No matter what happens in life, Cindy will interpret it through the filter of looking for how it represents a loss, a defeat, or an injustice against her. As result of this thought process, because what we focus on grows, she creates more and more opportunities to be disappointed.
It’s not her fault! (But it is her responsibility). Cindy grew up in a household in which she was continually disappointed. She possibly had to hide out to stay safe, and certainly never got the opportunity to make decisions or be heard. It’s a pattern to look for what others want and give it to them, rather than looking within.
This shows up in her business in several ways.
- Sales: She’ll let the prospect lead the conversation about what they need, and will believe them when they share the reasons they can’t buy.
- Marketing: She’ll be inconsistent because she’ll stop what she’s doing whenever something else comes in that gets her attention.
- Point of View: It will be vague because she’s afraid to offend anybody. She’s a people pleaser at heart, who never truly feels as if she’s pleasing anybody. She’ll sell out on her real perspective in favor of the advice of someone she perceives to know better.
- Support: Virtually non-existent. She tends to support everyone else and put your own dreams last, waiting for someone to approve of your ideas in order to act.
- Energy: Scattered, busy, unfocused, hesitant, uncertain, helpful, pleasing.
If you recognize yourself in Cindy, I’ve got a couple of answers for you. 1) Get clear about what you are committed to, put it in writing, and follow through no matter what. Even if it is the “wrong” plan, knowing yourself as someone who says it and makes it happen will change everything about your level of personal power. 2) Stay tuned in to this series as we go up the energy spectrum and look for a “Profit Style” that inspires you to show up differently!
The Profit Styles™
This article is about one of a series of profiles that I’ve coined the “Profit Styles™.” They correspond to the different levels of energy to which we have access as human beings. Our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings generate our actions and our results. Our thoughts can resonate at 7 distinct levels (taken from the Energy Leadership Index™ developed by Bruce D. Schneider, and as outlined in the book Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins) that dictate how we observe and respond to business and life. Our default tendency literally impacts us at a cellular level, and we gravitate toward people or situations that reflect our prevailing thought process. We all have access to all 7 levels, and by bringing them to conscious awareness, you have the power to shift to a new level at any given time. Our default levels are always the source of our business results. Always.
To inquire about taking the formal Profit Styles Index assessment, please email Support@AlignandProfit.com!
“Feel Bad” Decision-Making
We make all kinds of decisions every single day, right?
Do you ever find yourself making decisions in a way that you know is not what you would normally do because you’d “feel bad” if you did what you really want?
Here are some examples of decisions that may make you “feel bad” even though you want or need to do them:
- Saying “no” to an invitation.
- Following your own intuition in designing your business, rather than someone else’s advice.
- Taking a trip for business even though it means your family will have to pick up the slack while you’re gone.
- Not hiring someone to do something when it doesn’t feel right (e.g. a friend, or someone who needs the money, or a bad doggie day care ), and saying no feels difficult.
- Asking someone for help.
- Insisting on good service, or the level of service you are paying for, even if you feel “high maintenance.”
- Charging for your services at the level that is consistent with your value, and Universal Law. (We talked about this on the recent teleclass).
Your intuition is constantly giving you messages about what you truly want, that which will always unfold in the greatest and highest good for you.
Are you listening to it, or is your fear of offending someone making you blind to its message?
Every minute spent making decisions from fear is a minute we give up access to our intuition – they exist after different energy states and you can’t be in both at the same time.
Even when decisions seem small, as if it couldn’t possibly be a big deal to do just this one thing that’s out of alignment with my truth, it is!
If you decide to avoid feeling bad, there are a couple of things to note:
- No one can make you feel bad, and you can’t make anyone else feel bad. One of my mentors would say, the offense is always within. Feeling bad is always a choice, one you make within you.
- If you feel bad, it’s based on an old agreement. Someone in your life taught you that you should feel bad for doing what you want, or even for being you. Who’s voice is that? If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t want to be high-maintenance,” or “I should be grateful,” or “It’s selfish to want this,” or “I must be wrong, they must know better,” or “Maybe it’s me… I’ll try harder.” THOSE VOICES ARE NOT YOU. Someone in your life taught you those stories, and now is the time to break them!
In The 4 Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says this:
“Don’t take anything personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
When you play small, refuse to charge what you’re worth, accept results that are less than what you want, or don’t ask for what you need, you’ve bought into someone else’s small story.
You’re not believing that they can handle the Truth. They can. And if they can’t, it’s not your responsibility! Go create a new agreement with those people today!