Succeeding Beyond Your Heroes is Scary

August 22, 2012 by     2 Comments

One of the most detrimental and hard to spot Cycles of Proving I’ve discovered is this. It boils down to proving you’re no better than your parents.

And it usually shows up in people who THINK they are proving that they have done better than their parents – this is why it’s so tricky to spot.

Before I share how the cycle works, we first need to look at the impact, or cost, of the cycle. Otherwise there’s no motivation to catch it.

It shows up like this:

  • Getting SO CLOSE to your ideal life yet not quite being able to tip the scales to being truly happy.
  • Hiding or not fully using certain talents or capabilities. Sensing that you might be good at something that you haven’t yet fully explored.
  • Daydreaming about a particular model in your business you’d love to implement, then questioning, “who am I to…”
  • Manifesting strange or unusual circumstances that keep you just under the radar, or with just enough unhappiness to not truly feel you are thriving.
  • Feeling completely uncomfortable as things become easy.

If this sounds familiar, stop for a minute to think about the impact of this high-level cycle in your life and your business. Maybe even write some notes about what this like for you.

When I begin to look at what happened to create this particular Cycle of Proving with clients, another thought or statement that almost always shows up next is:

My parents did the best they could. I feel bad talking about the negative about my childhood.

Have you had these thoughts?

Often a business owner who is at the level of confronting this cycle is completely aware that blaming does nothing to help them, and that forgiveness can be a path to freedom. Their own desire to be perfectly “evolved” actually keeps them from full-on facing the Truth. (Well, that, and it’s painful). The Truth is that they were hurt in a big way growing up, and admitting the impact of that is the key to their freedom.

And, yes, your parents did the best they could with what they were given. That is always true. But denying how it felt to be ____(neglected, not prioritized, not important, criticized, abused, etc.)_____ means it will always have a hold on you. Facing the feelings allows them to be transformed.

Now, without getting too heavy :), I’m going to share at a high-level how the cycle of proving your parents right works.

  • You get a peek at a bigger vision of what’s possible for you.
  • You remove resistance long enough to take action.
  • In comes a circumstance to validate your fear. In this case it often looks like one of your parents needing you for something.
  • Your subconscious mind is quickly reminded that if you continue to grow in the way you are growing, you will have outgrown your parents, or, that likely you already have.
  • Your mind then connects the dots - if you can figure it out - how to make your life work, be a good parent, make enough money to provide for yourself, and make all these things happen – why couldn’t they?
  • Instantly your critical brain connects this to a defect on your part. If only I had been _____(important, valuable, pretty, talented, good)_____ enough, they would have figured out how to give me what I needed. It’s not that hard!
  • Suddenly your own success is a subconscious trigger that PROVES your own inadequacy! Wow, talk about being stuck in a loop.
  • The more you succeed and make your life easier, the more the kid in you berates herself for her failure to be enough to inspire her parents to do better.
  • So rather than get the information and support and resources you need for full-blown success, you choose to stay smaller, hidden, less successful so that you can still make your parents right. They are your parents after all, and they should have known best!

I know, I know, it seems ridiculous, right? The more ridiculous it seems to you, the higher the likelihood that it’s YOUR cycle! But think about it. Before 7 years old we had no conscious mind to help us choose our beliefs. It all got filed in the subconscious. And at that age, we NEED our parents to be our heroes. We need to make them right because they are all we’ve got!

But today, you get to say how great you become. They did the best they could with the information they had. You’re reading this article right now. You’ve got better information. Are you going to embrace it and grow to the level you truly desire?

I invite you to go for it!

 

Comments

  1. Wow, this hits home. But I think for me, proving my mother right is a way of trying to earn her love. At least f I agree with her that I am not good enough, we can be on the same side.

    I actually woke up one morning recently and had the thought “who am I making right by not believing in myself?” That was a bombshell. Since she always lived vicariously through me, and considered everything i did a reflection on her, I have to believe that she did not believe in herself either. This rings true with a lot of her behavior, which is bullying in a way that denotes a lot of insecurity. Lots to think about here!!

    • Darla LeDoux says:

      Hi Lisa! Thanks so much for sharing, and congratulation on allowing that message to come into your awareness. That is great. You’re right, your mother likely didn’t think SHE was good enough, and it’s profound the way we sacrifice our own dreams to keep that agreement with other people’s beliefs.

      Ready for the next layer?

      Whatever you see in her that bugs you (bullying?) is likely something you actually have too, yet is suppressed. So the tricky thing is that this hidden part of yourself doesn’t serve you. If you can bring it out and use it for good and see how learning about bullying as a kid serves you today, you can put it to use for good in your business! Keep me posted :)

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